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As I've said, I've been feeling old of late. Having reached the quarter-century mark, I am disappointed that I have not accomplished more with my life, and I have several plans afoot to remedy that failure to the extent that I can. For some months, I've also been pondering my state of living - to wit, the fact that I have lived alone now for some years, and have made no efforts to remedy that condition. This was brought home by the "season of engagements" as I like to call it - in the last two months, I have received news of four impending weddings - three protagonists are the same age I am, and two are female friends of close acquaintance. I am truly happy for all, and I look forward to the weddings, but I can't shake that niggling thought - Is there something wrong with me, that I'm not also planning marriage? Is there something wrong with me, that I don't even want to contemplate marriage? The idea has no appeal. (Well, actually, the idea of a wedding has appeal, but the idea of being married does not.)
Some of my friends would say this is because I am too pessimistic, I think it may be because I am simply practical, and realistic. I tend to believe that deep down, we (as people) marry for pragmatic reasons, and my particular needs won't be met by the conventional marriage. I am unlikely to benefit from the additional income that a partner would provide, and not one of my contemporaries understand why I keep myself to such a strict savings schedule - this is not to say I don't spend money, but perhaps I am frivolous in different ways than most. I hold myself to a hectic schedule, which leaves no room for relationships, and I have no idealism or trust to spare for potential romantic partners - having been burned several times in succession, I'm still apt to expect the worst.
I've been over this many times before - on paper, to friends, in my head. I approve of the idea in concept, but I have no desire for the condition. It may be I've forgotten what it feels like. But I am still pleased with my life overall, despite the odd frustrations, and I certainly think myself fortunate to live in the time and place that I do. If I can just make the next leap to the next phase, to challenge myself that bit more, I'll be quite content indeed.
But sometimes I wonder if I have lost something along the way . . .
Some of my friends would say this is because I am too pessimistic, I think it may be because I am simply practical, and realistic. I tend to believe that deep down, we (as people) marry for pragmatic reasons, and my particular needs won't be met by the conventional marriage. I am unlikely to benefit from the additional income that a partner would provide, and not one of my contemporaries understand why I keep myself to such a strict savings schedule - this is not to say I don't spend money, but perhaps I am frivolous in different ways than most. I hold myself to a hectic schedule, which leaves no room for relationships, and I have no idealism or trust to spare for potential romantic partners - having been burned several times in succession, I'm still apt to expect the worst.
I've been over this many times before - on paper, to friends, in my head. I approve of the idea in concept, but I have no desire for the condition. It may be I've forgotten what it feels like. But I am still pleased with my life overall, despite the odd frustrations, and I certainly think myself fortunate to live in the time and place that I do. If I can just make the next leap to the next phase, to challenge myself that bit more, I'll be quite content indeed.
But sometimes I wonder if I have lost something along the way . . .
