![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Are You A Teacher Of The Heart?
Jan. 17th, 2003 04:31 pmGod, I miss the scholarly life. Good thing I'm planning on going back to academia. I've reached the point where I can hardly see a redeeming virtue to the work that I do, and it all seems so desperately pointless. This is unusual because I'm normally the sort of person who can tolerate a lot of stress and unpleasantness, keep my head down and not complain - at least until my body and health fall apart in some spectacular way. But my interest and enthusiasm have reached a nadir. Which in some ways is a bad thing, since I know at least three people who are considering taking the path I started some six years ago - and I can't find an encouraging word for them, at least not one that is truthful.
I tend to think that your true calling is the one thing you can't bear to do, something that seems too difficult and daunting - but that you can't not do, because it is like a need, a fire inside you. I never thought I had a true calling, that I instead could bear to do just about anything - that I would try anything, for a bit. Now, in the depth of my boredom and frustration and anger I think I may just have found what it was I was looking for - and it does seem impossibly hard and uncertain, even dangerous. But I know I want it, more than anything, and I think might just be willing to work, really work for it this time, if there's a chance I can make it happen.
I want my dignity back. I crave the sense of nobility, stimulation, and indeed pure joy that I once used to feel for my work. I want the stern authority and wonder of that most demanding of disciplines, my first and most enduring love. I wonder if all my life since the day I left University has one huge mistake, a waste of years and of energy, a failure of courage and will. And most of all, I wonder if it is too late, and I pray that perhaps she will have me back, if I can sacrifice enough, and if I can love enough.
I tend to think that your true calling is the one thing you can't bear to do, something that seems too difficult and daunting - but that you can't not do, because it is like a need, a fire inside you. I never thought I had a true calling, that I instead could bear to do just about anything - that I would try anything, for a bit. Now, in the depth of my boredom and frustration and anger I think I may just have found what it was I was looking for - and it does seem impossibly hard and uncertain, even dangerous. But I know I want it, more than anything, and I think might just be willing to work, really work for it this time, if there's a chance I can make it happen.
I want my dignity back. I crave the sense of nobility, stimulation, and indeed pure joy that I once used to feel for my work. I want the stern authority and wonder of that most demanding of disciplines, my first and most enduring love. I wonder if all my life since the day I left University has one huge mistake, a waste of years and of energy, a failure of courage and will. And most of all, I wonder if it is too late, and I pray that perhaps she will have me back, if I can sacrifice enough, and if I can love enough.
