Are Your Lessons Done
Oct. 19th, 2002 07:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
venetianarchiveSince my return, a few more events and happenings - I received word that my grandmother suffered a turn for the worse, so in addition to stress at work, it looks like I will need to find a way to go home for a few days - currently, my plan is to take the last week on October. This will probably do nothing to improve the situation at work, but it hopefully won't hurt it too much - and this time, I'm not going to fail the way I did when my grandfather passed away while I was in law school. He died the day before I was scheduled to come home - making true his statement when I left that maybe he wouldn't see me again.
On the work note, I have to comment that the counselor I've been assigned is useless - she seems to me determined to convince me that the best thing I can do is accept that work is not about being happy but about making money, and that I shouldn't complain since I am well paid for the work I do. (The words "laugh all the way to the bank" were used.) Frankly, I already understand this viewpoint, and to a large extent I subscribe to it - I have no idealism about what is required, no matter what the package, wage slavery is wage slavery, and you endure what you have to to get what you need. So, my problem is in making myself the ideal sort of corporate servant that is wanted - in some ways I am too subordinate, and in others not enough, so to be a success I suppose I just need to even things out a bit, lose my sense of ego - no one wants my input, they want the work they ask of me. Of course the disillusionment is wearying, but again, not unexpected. However, if this is all a counselor can offer, what's the point? Her analysis adds nothing, I feel as though she's being actively hostile to me - it's as if she thinks that if she's critical enough, she will break me and thus I can perform well at work. (Which, of course is all that really matters - I wonder to what extent she's not paid to ensure my mental health, but to ensure I'm a good worker.)
Zen center has been helpful in losing ego though - I feel more comfortable with sitting now, I've attended two meals and a lecture at center, and I helped with Saturday lunch. (Old traits coming to the fore - ) The odd thing is that, much like at Red Mountain, I have no real desire to run around introducing myself to people and trying to make friends - I prefer the quiet and being alone. Indeed, sometimes I even get annoyed with people who try to push themselves into my personal space - if I'm polite but not forthcoming, surely that's a cue that I don't want to become your best friend? Perhaps my body language is hard to read.
This is not to say I've cut myself off from the world - I saw the girls at dance on Tuesday, saw my trainer on Wednesday, had dinner with a friend on Thursday, and will probably meet up with another tomorrow. Also, I perform well in situations where I'm expected to meet new people - interviewing candidates, work functions, parties, etc. I can make small talk with the best of them. But it's as though I've gotten into the habit of thinking that it's not worth it to try to meet new people, and at times it all just seems like too much trouble. Not a good approach, perhaps, but one I'll need to work with for a while.
On the work note, I have to comment that the counselor I've been assigned is useless - she seems to me determined to convince me that the best thing I can do is accept that work is not about being happy but about making money, and that I shouldn't complain since I am well paid for the work I do. (The words "laugh all the way to the bank" were used.) Frankly, I already understand this viewpoint, and to a large extent I subscribe to it - I have no idealism about what is required, no matter what the package, wage slavery is wage slavery, and you endure what you have to to get what you need. So, my problem is in making myself the ideal sort of corporate servant that is wanted - in some ways I am too subordinate, and in others not enough, so to be a success I suppose I just need to even things out a bit, lose my sense of ego - no one wants my input, they want the work they ask of me. Of course the disillusionment is wearying, but again, not unexpected. However, if this is all a counselor can offer, what's the point? Her analysis adds nothing, I feel as though she's being actively hostile to me - it's as if she thinks that if she's critical enough, she will break me and thus I can perform well at work. (Which, of course is all that really matters - I wonder to what extent she's not paid to ensure my mental health, but to ensure I'm a good worker.)
Zen center has been helpful in losing ego though - I feel more comfortable with sitting now, I've attended two meals and a lecture at center, and I helped with Saturday lunch. (Old traits coming to the fore - ) The odd thing is that, much like at Red Mountain, I have no real desire to run around introducing myself to people and trying to make friends - I prefer the quiet and being alone. Indeed, sometimes I even get annoyed with people who try to push themselves into my personal space - if I'm polite but not forthcoming, surely that's a cue that I don't want to become your best friend? Perhaps my body language is hard to read.
This is not to say I've cut myself off from the world - I saw the girls at dance on Tuesday, saw my trainer on Wednesday, had dinner with a friend on Thursday, and will probably meet up with another tomorrow. Also, I perform well in situations where I'm expected to meet new people - interviewing candidates, work functions, parties, etc. I can make small talk with the best of them. But it's as though I've gotten into the habit of thinking that it's not worth it to try to meet new people, and at times it all just seems like too much trouble. Not a good approach, perhaps, but one I'll need to work with for a while.
