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venetianarchiveThe story as of now - in the midst of general ennui, certain things have been decided, and now I have to decide my response, for good or ill. I have withdrawn from my online finance courses - I now have three courses to finish before January 2006 to receive the certificate in personal finance. I have applications in plan or process to four institutions, three for masters equivalents in law, and one for library science. I have an understanding that I will leave work about six months prior to the start of my program, at the end of March. I hope to spend three of those in a Zen Buddhist Monastery in the hills, at Tassajara. (No, not *that* one - I've started sitting at a Soto Zen Center, and his was a Rinzai Zen Center. Also, it's inland from Monterey, rather than inland from Los Angeles.) I performed at last Open Stage, I am a performer at Dickens Faire again as well. I have friends, who are good to me, and family who is understanding in their way.
Also, my grandmother passed away yesterday. She was my last living grandparent, and was responsible for raising me for much of my youth. She was probably the one person in my life who loved me unconditionally and without complication. I recently returned to Hawaii for a week in late October when she had her second stroke, and now I'm glad that I did. Although I have had remarkable calm and have been able to control the emotion well, I feel a sense of loss and emptiness, further unmooring me from the world. Like the Heian novels and romances that have been my preferred reading of late, I feel like this is the end of days, that the world is old and tired. I need emptiness, quiet and peace.
Grey paper, black ink. A barren branch.
Mist over the bridge
Obscures the far land-ward shore
Shall I follow there?
Also, my grandmother passed away yesterday. She was my last living grandparent, and was responsible for raising me for much of my youth. She was probably the one person in my life who loved me unconditionally and without complication. I recently returned to Hawaii for a week in late October when she had her second stroke, and now I'm glad that I did. Although I have had remarkable calm and have been able to control the emotion well, I feel a sense of loss and emptiness, further unmooring me from the world. Like the Heian novels and romances that have been my preferred reading of late, I feel like this is the end of days, that the world is old and tired. I need emptiness, quiet and peace.
Grey paper, black ink. A barren branch.
Mist over the bridge
Obscures the far land-ward shore
Shall I follow there?
