Abandoned To Beauty And Pride
Jan. 10th, 2003 03:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
venetianarchiveBeing A Short Essay On The Effects And Attractions Of Repression -
In the fullness of time, I have developed a LOTR crush. (Yes, such things happen even to me.) But (at least based on popular online quizzes) it's not one of the usual suspects, and indeed, isn't even on the radar for most. In fact, I've often found it the case with many books or films I encounter that my evaluations of the characters I find most attractive are usually not shared by the majority, although this varies depending on the nature of the social group.
Upon reflection, I think I understand why. I was thinking recently about characters that I have found attractive, or even aspects of people I've been involved with that I find attractive, and I've identified one trait that is a bit unusual, and that is repression. Now, upon the face of it, one does not usually find someone who is repressed attractive - desires denied in one aspect of life will usually find other ways of expressing themselves, sometimes in damaging ways. But this tends to occur where the denial is unconscious or misdirected. The kind of repression I'm thinking about is willful, controlled - acknowledging the presence of desire, having enjoyed it perhaps at one point - but denying it in the present moment, for the sake of other goals, other aims, or even simply for convenience.
There's an element of self-awareness or self-control in such behavior that I find attractive - especially when one considers that control of desire does not equate to the absence of desire. Thus, while an individual practicing such repression of desire and emotion may appear cold and distant, the truth may be quite the opposite. When in time, expression of such emotion is deemed appropriate, its intensity is made that much more powerful, and perhaps surprising.
Repression also allows for a kind of subtlety that is often lacking in human interactions. Increased subtlety requires greater perception, as well as learning the appropriate language of references, gestures and behaviors that provide a shortcut to meaning and understanding - often an involved effort, but potentially a worthwhile one.
This being a trait that I admire and am drawn to, I have to admit that it is also one that I cultivate, sometimes intentionally, sometimes less so. I've never developed myself emotionally to the extent that I have intellectually and physically, and that has been by choice - I tend to find that such entanglements draining in terms of time, energy and finances - without commensurate return. But that doesn't mean that I want to be without emotion and desire either - but instead to better understand, control, and yes, repress it - until I can find the appropriate venue and audience for its expression.
In the fullness of time, I have developed a LOTR crush. (Yes, such things happen even to me.) But (at least based on popular online quizzes) it's not one of the usual suspects, and indeed, isn't even on the radar for most. In fact, I've often found it the case with many books or films I encounter that my evaluations of the characters I find most attractive are usually not shared by the majority, although this varies depending on the nature of the social group.
Upon reflection, I think I understand why. I was thinking recently about characters that I have found attractive, or even aspects of people I've been involved with that I find attractive, and I've identified one trait that is a bit unusual, and that is repression. Now, upon the face of it, one does not usually find someone who is repressed attractive - desires denied in one aspect of life will usually find other ways of expressing themselves, sometimes in damaging ways. But this tends to occur where the denial is unconscious or misdirected. The kind of repression I'm thinking about is willful, controlled - acknowledging the presence of desire, having enjoyed it perhaps at one point - but denying it in the present moment, for the sake of other goals, other aims, or even simply for convenience.
There's an element of self-awareness or self-control in such behavior that I find attractive - especially when one considers that control of desire does not equate to the absence of desire. Thus, while an individual practicing such repression of desire and emotion may appear cold and distant, the truth may be quite the opposite. When in time, expression of such emotion is deemed appropriate, its intensity is made that much more powerful, and perhaps surprising.
Repression also allows for a kind of subtlety that is often lacking in human interactions. Increased subtlety requires greater perception, as well as learning the appropriate language of references, gestures and behaviors that provide a shortcut to meaning and understanding - often an involved effort, but potentially a worthwhile one.
This being a trait that I admire and am drawn to, I have to admit that it is also one that I cultivate, sometimes intentionally, sometimes less so. I've never developed myself emotionally to the extent that I have intellectually and physically, and that has been by choice - I tend to find that such entanglements draining in terms of time, energy and finances - without commensurate return. But that doesn't mean that I want to be without emotion and desire either - but instead to better understand, control, and yes, repress it - until I can find the appropriate venue and audience for its expression.
