Your Little House Deep In The Desert

So, I haven't talked about Red Mountain yet, and I should. I would recommend it, since it was overall a good experience, although I don't think that others would find the experience as I lived it quite to their taste. Left early Saturday, encountered stupid SamTrans schedules and had to take a cab part of the way to the airport. On the journey out (St. George via Salt Lake City) I started The Golden Compass (His Dark Materials I). Arrived, got oriented, had a quick exercise before dinner, then had a Revitalizer treatment after dinner. I also finally caved and bought a little stuffed animal spa bear that I'd seen in Las Vegas in August. I still have this odd weakness for cute things - hence the ongoing love of Hello Kitty and such. Finished book and slept.

The next morning, I started by joining a group hike to Padre Canyon, where I learned a bit about the area - St George is a tourist town, for the most part - near the national parks, plus they have a lot of retirees from the warm weather. Continued the day with gentle yoga, exercise, swimming and jacuzzi (I now own a few durabooks, which you can read in the water - great for this type of relaxing.) Dinner, a meditation sampler, and a massage ended the day. Also continued with The Subtle Knife (His Dark Materials II).

Finally, on Monday, I went for a walk across the lava fields, exercised, swam, had a facial, attended cooking class, had a pedicure, went on a garden walk, and spent the afternoon reading The Amber Spyglass (His Dark Materials III) in a hammock and on the plne home. All in all I kept to myself (although I think this would ba nice place to go with an SO or group of friends, as many here did.) The food was good and on the healthy side, although I wasn't really focused on health or weight loss, just escape.

This was best achieved by the books, of course, and the pairing of the HDM trilogy with being in a distant desert landscape was odd yet refreshing. I found the story engaging if slow moving at times, and I wish that the opposing forces had been better explained and developed - much of the story was focused on the two children, who while sympathetic, weren't nearly as interesting as some of the supporting characters. I would love to read the prequel to these events - although, as many sagas, what has gone before is interesting to us because we cannot touch it - it is rather more mythic. Still, a well developed and detailed world and a suitably unhappy ending were enough to please me.

I was also aware that it was yet another of several recent stories I've become aware of with young female protagonists, which I can't help but see as a good thing. Neil Gaiman's Coraline, and Chihiro of Spirited Away, like Lyra Belacqua, are on the edge of adolesence finding their way into adult lives and responsibilities, just as they step over the borders of reality into other worlds. It's a hopeful thing, although it makes me feel old, because I've already stumbled into my adulthood and "grown up" responsibilities, but I feel as though I am losing that spark, that hope for something really amazing and life changing to happen. I wish that like the characters, something incredible had happened when I was twelve or thirteen, that I'd found something magic or fallen in love, so that I could accept the quiet life that spreads out before me with greater contentment. For the rest of my life is just working and thinking and striving, and while not unhappy, there's damn little joy left in it. I wonder what it is I've lost.

Are Your Lessons Done

Since my return, a few more events and happenings - I received word that my grandmother suffered a turn for the worse, so in addition to stress at work, it looks like I will need to find a way to go home for a few days - currently, my plan is to take the last week on October. This will probably do nothing to improve the situation at work, but it hopefully won't hurt it too much - and this time, I'm not going to fail the way I did when my grandfather passed away while I was in law school. He died the day before I was scheduled to come home - making true his statement when I left that maybe he wouldn't see me again.

On the work note, I have to comment that the counselor I've been assigned is useless - she seems to me determined to convince me that the best thing I can do is accept that work is not about being happy but about making money, and that I shouldn't complain since I am well paid for the work I do. (The words "laugh all the way to the bank" were used.) Frankly, I already understand this viewpoint, and to a large extent I subscribe to it - I have no idealism about what is required, no matter what the package, wage slavery is wage slavery, and you endure what you have to to get what you need. So, my problem is in making myself the ideal sort of corporate servant that is wanted - in some ways I am too subordinate, and in others not enough, so to be a success I suppose I just need to even things out a bit, lose my sense of ego - no one wants my input, they want the work they ask of me. Of course the disillusionment is wearying, but again, not unexpected. However, if this is all a counselor can offer, what's the point? Her analysis adds nothing, I feel as though she's being actively hostile to me - it's as if she thinks that if she's critical enough, she will break me and thus I can perform well at work. (Which, of course is all that really matters - I wonder to what extent she's not paid to ensure my mental health, but to ensure I'm a good worker.)

Zen center has been helpful in losing ego though - I feel more comfortable with sitting now, I've attended two meals and a lecture at center, and I helped with Saturday lunch. (Old traits coming to the fore - ) The odd thing is that, much like at Red Mountain, I have no real desire to run around introducing myself to people and trying to make friends - I prefer the quiet and being alone. Indeed, sometimes I even get annoyed with people who try to push themselves into my personal space - if I'm polite but not forthcoming, surely that's a cue that I don't want to become your best friend? Perhaps my body language is hard to read.

This is not to say I've cut myself off from the world - I saw the girls at dance on Tuesday, saw my trainer on Wednesday, had dinner with a friend on Thursday, and will probably meet up with another tomorrow. Also, I perform well in situations where I'm expected to meet new people - interviewing candidates, work functions, parties, etc. I can make small talk with the best of them. But it's as though I've gotten into the habit of thinking that it's not worth it to try to meet new people, and at times it all just seems like too much trouble. Not a good approach, perhaps, but one I'll need to work with for a while.