The Venetian Archive

Posted as serenissima, October 31, 2004 for the The Commodore and Mrs. Norrington Challenge

( King of Diamonds, Queen of Hearts and A Pair of Jacks )

Things are coming to a point now - I feel that there are decisions to be made, and soon. Overall, the days slip by in peace and relative contentment as once more, I have a circle of friends, books to study, continuing and new hobbies, useful part-time work. And it's wonderful to have time again - still not enough to do everything, but at least enough to get to all the bits and pieces that make up a civilized existence - proper mealtimes, an hour of exercise, two baths a day.

But, it obviously can't last forever, and my final course selections for this degree are pressing on me already. I feel a great happiness and a great desire to go back to the old books, to immerse myself in that which once made me happy. Unfortunately, such a path is the most difficult, least assured, and may leave me nowhere in the end - I'm rusty at my discipline, it would be another three year commitment with all the attendant costs, and when you get down to it, there aren't really that many positions for legal historians. At the same time, the siren song of the working world is strong - it's glamorous by comparison, offers a regular salary and an end to uncertainty. There's a small issue of destroying my soul, but isn't that what everyone does?

I'm frustrated in that I can't seem to see a way of balancing the parts of me, and as I feel older with each passing day, I wonder if I'll end up settling in the way that I've seen so many of my contemporaries do - whether they acknowledge it or not. I've begun again, but the path is so much less clear, this time.

But the question is, how long can I wait before reading it all at once, like gorging on a confection? Moreover, my sleep cycle has been twisted into strange and irrational shapes by jet lag, so my body *wants* to be awake from 2:00 am-6:00 am, no matter what else is going on in my life, and for once I have to be awake early for a meeting with the faculty, so it's no idle question. I think I shall just have to resort to not sleeping, if my body otherwise refuses to comply. Perhaps meditation will help -

Don't look for me, because I'll be gone, up into the mountains, until the season changes, at least.

It's been a back and forth kind of day, today. The morning began with my getting to the City too late for zazen, but in time for lecture and lunch. Then the massage therapist didn't show up, so I ran errands and made a nice two week plan preparing for the mountains. Cue losing the notebook with the plan at the store, as some annoying person took my shopping cart while I was browsing. No monetary value in it, but it had my list of comics, some writing notes, and the aforementioned plan. Bah. Most of the information is still in my head somewhere, of course, but there's a reason that I write it all down in the first place. Then FCBD, which was cool, and for some reason there are a number of Alan Moore interviews out at the moment, prompting me to contact a friend of mine who's an admirer. YWCA group performance, after all these years, but afterward I broke the zipper on my favorite skirt and and am now wearing the new one instead. Tomorrow - kayaking, packing and driving, and maybe some Smallville at the end of all of it. And I didn't exercise today, which means I really ought to find time to do it tomorrow. Sigh. For some reason, I can't help doing too much even when I have nothing to do, as nonsensical as that sounds. Yet more reason to practice letting be.

Oh, and I've made a new mix, something I haven't done in a long time. It's got an L Side and a C Side, but it's not what you might think - or perhaps it is, depending on what I've told you. Sometimes my vices almost embarrass me.

Journeys forward, journeys back. An acceptance came, so at least I'll have somewhere to go in the fall, although it is somewhat lower on my list of choices - it could still lead to a good future. I've started on my post-employment project, and had the chance to run away for a little while - I'll do so again quite soon. And all around, a looming sense of fear and loathing as the world goes a little crazy once again.

I don't often express strong opinions about flash point topics, largely because I don't care. Or I do care, but I don't see that there is much I could say that makes a tangible impact. Suffice to say, I am not of the opinion that the current state of events merits armed conflict, but my opinion doesn't matter. It is not my place to make such decisions - I made all the decisions I could a while ago, and the majority did not agree, and I have to live with that. I do not demonstrate or sign petitions because I do not believe they make a difference - and in part because I'm enough of a cynic and a misanthrope that I believe that the worst will happen no matter what I do. There's an excellent quotation in the immortal "The Lion In Winter" regarding the origins of war - to paraphrase, conflict is like a cancer or disease that we carry in our blood. So, let it all be done. I will not support, I will not oppose, and most important, I will not let the fear and hysteria consume me. I live my life just as before, and with grace, I will be there to help where I can, in whatever way I can when everything is over.

From my 18th Floor window, it appears that there is a barge sinking in the Bay. What, exactly should I do about this? I am at something of a loss.

Well, I've been accepted to do *something,* which is a start, I suppose - even if no word of programs is back yet, I will have somewhere to go when it is all over - and we are moving quickly to the end, now. Even in retreating, there is something to be gained.

Following evaluation by the optometrist, I appear to have much improved vision, although I fall short of perfect 20/20. (20/25 and 20/30, if you must know) Of course, healing will continue and vision will continue to fluctuate, but it's good enough to pass a driving test, and to get around without bumping into things even if there is no further improvement. Depending on what happens, I might get a further enhancement, or I might just get some weak glasses for when I have to do a lot of reading - but I wouldn't need them constantly, as I once did.

Otherwise, time passes - I was in New Orleans last weekend, which was a nice diversion, and I was in Minneapolis the weekend before that, another enjoyable break. Dance festival this weekend, I think - and then, my long awaited week at zen center, if all goes well. Still a bit of planning to be done, and I've started to make plans for the divestiture of my worldly goods. I *still* desire to hibernate until the spring, cozy and alone in my room. Indeed, my dreams have been most compelling of late, fed by the many tales and stories, old histories, ideas revisited. And sleep - it is like a drug, and I feel my body crave more even as it clouds my thoughts. Perhaps I can dream through the long dark of winter, until the coming of spring when I can begin the work of building my life anew.